BUILDING BETTER ADULTS
Hint: You’re Not Supposed to Be Your Kids’ Friend
Who Am I to Talk?
I haven’t had children, so what do I know about the challenge of raising children? My “credentials” are that I was once a kid, raised to be independent, hard-working and successful, and that I am a great observer of current trends. I can see what works and what doesn’t. Keep in mind that back when I was younger, you only rarely had adults run home to Mommy for support and housing.
Childhood in the ’60’s
Most parents had a plan to give their kids increasing responsibilities as they grew, beginning as early as possible. We had chores once we could walk, tasks that increased in difficulty and time-commitment as we aged. Although we had small allowances, these jobs were considered just a part of being in a family, where everyone pulled their weight. Occasionally, really tough tasks could be taken on for a small amount of money, on top of the weekly chores, such as scrubbing out the oven. Yes, at one time, ovens didn’t clean themselves.
Privileges were added relative to our maturity and willingness to participate as a family member. Most houses had one TV (ours was black & white until I was 15), one HiFi and one phone. Any adult had priority over any child for use of these family resources. We were encouraged to take on challenges, as we grew up, including responding to our own alarms and getting prepped for school as early as 1st grade. Most of us walked or rode bikes to school, again, generally by 1st grade. If shops were nearby, we ran errands for our parents, helped with anything our parents needed, while taking responsibility for completing homework generally without assistance and always, without prompting.
I walked and rode my bike everywhere by myself, finding ways to entertain myself. We didn’t have devices and as noted, didn’t have free access to TV or the internet. If we found ourselves bored, as could happen in the summer, our parents always had work for us to do. As I recall, the only time I got help getting anywhere was for doctor’s appointments. While we didn’t have a lot of public transportation, my cousins regularly took buses by themselves to San Francisco from Oakland (and back), to their SF Boys’ Chorus rehearsals, often at night. My cousins were children when they did this.
Wins were celebrated; we didn’t have the concept of “participant awards.” We weren’t overscheduled, which meant we could decide what we liked and what we didn’t. Some did sign up for regular sports, but many didn’t. Vacations (rare) took us to places my parents wanted to visit, in most cases.
We were expected to learn manners and understand that “children should be seen and not heard.” Still, we had plenty of chance to interact with other adults and share our thoughts and experience. But we had to learn manners first.
I don’t remember my parents teaching me how to manage money, do my taxes, get a job, etc. They would always be willing to help, but they expected us to earn and pay for luxuries (like my first pair of contacts). I earned ½ the cost; they generously paid the other half.
I applied and interviewed for college and jobs on my own. And when I graduated from college, I moved out and paid my way after that. It never occurred to me that it would be any other way.
My Generation’s Parenting
As you can see, for many of us, life wasn’t all that easy. It was a constant learning experience with a lot of life’s hard knocks along the way. Still, my parents never spared us the consequences of our bad actions. This caused many of my generation to resolve to be easier on their kids, remembering those tough times. They also often wanted to be their kids’ friends, a relationship that only makes sense a few years AFTER they have become fully independent.
The indulgences included participant awards and gifts for the sib who wasn’t celebrating a birthday. Kids expected/received money for good grades, simple tasks and anything else parents hoped to bribe them to deliver. Most parents thought their kids needed help with almost everything and were incredibly involved, even as increasingly, both parents had to work. Complex schedules were required to deliver a child to school, events and activities.
Punishments often involved being stuck in your room, which was equipped with a variety of entertainment. Standing in a corner (a common practice in my house) was considered too harsh.
Spending money acted as a substitute for the time parents didn’t have. With many desired items provided as a matter of course (iPhones, computers, personal TVs, etc.), kids didn’t learn to manage money and defer gratification. Many kids became spoiled and entitled, which was bad enough. But it got worse.
Where It Went Next
Despite there being no increase in stranger abductions, parents became absolutely panicked about danger to their children. This translated into a complete lack of freedom for the child. Almost none were trusted to get themselves to school or other activities.
Tiger and Free-Range Moms were reported and even arrested. And yet, their children grew up independent, confident and responsible. Bubble-wrapped, helicoptered and snow-plowed kids are growing up fearful and dependent. Some have already brought parents with them not just for college interviews but also job interviews. If I were hiring, that would be a deal-breaker. Many never leave their childhood homes and others feel better coming home, as they can’t handle cramming a bunch of young adults into a small apartment and learning to budget.
Used to being indulged and getting anything they want without actually earning it, they love the Dems idea of simply skipping work and being paid to stay home. Certainly, achieving dreams is hard work, but our minds do not grow and form without difficulty, challenges and yes, failure. I felt really scared about the future, but then, I keep running into kids who have been raised as I was, even as they aren’t the majority.
I’m not sure what to do to save our children from these disabling tactics, but new parents should carefully consider the choices they are now making as they raise their kids. Unless you want fearful, dependent children, you have to take the leash off, push the kids into the water and trust they will learn they can swim. The truth is, they will rise to the expectations.
