DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
Talking Politics When You Don’t Agree
If you’re like most of us, you’ve got a few people you have to tiptoe around on topics like politics, CCP virus, global warming, CRT and BLM. The divisions feel so deep that you either resort to cocktail party trivia or avoid them. In some cases, though, you can’t or don’t really want to trivialize or end the relationship. So, what do you do?
A Good Beginning
For a close friend or relative, it’s likely you have a lot of subjects that you can discuss easily, so it’s only when certain topics come up that make things uncomfortable between the two of you. You might even want to talk about them to some extent, but not be preached to. I’ve found the “safe” word to be a good approach to lessening the tension, coupled with an agreement that the conversational topic is changed in that moment. Pick a word that you won’t often use in conversation. At the moment one of you is uncomfortable, the word is spoken and that subject ends. Since no one has to explain why they want it ended, it can be a peaceful solution. I like the word “rhinoceros,” but feel free to choose your own.
Try to avoid reaching for your word. Listen, ask questions and stay curious. As you challenge the other person less, they will most likely begin to listen to you.
A Deeper Dive
At FreedomFest, I met a group called the Braver Angels, who try to deliberately engage in these tough conversations, in an attempt to lower the tension, anger and distrust. The following is their approach, from their site:
the Braver Angels Pledge:
As individuals, we try to understand the other side’s point of view, even if we don’t agree with it.
In our communities, we engage those we disagree with, looking for common ground and ways to work together.
In politics, we support principles that bring us together rather than divide us.
The challenge is to get to the point where you can ask your friend/family member to consider these rules, but follow them first, as a way to lead. Often, people seem to recognize the effort without it being addressed, simply as you seek to learn and offer opinions, not facts. Call it out – “This is my opinion. I’m sharing my thoughts, not trying to convert you.” Slowly, I’ve found this approach works. Too often, old habits stay implanted in people’s minds. If you’ve tried to convince them before, they believe that’s what you’re doing now. And make sure to emphasize that you’re okay if you both simply agree to disagree on a subject.
Over time, we’ll find more things we agree on and share.
A Wrinkle
Sadly, too many focus on what divides us and ignore what unites us. It’s a sad change in philosophy. As a child during school integration, I remember teachers reminding us to seek out those who shared interests no matter what they looked like. Later, the differences add spice to the relationship. If you find yourself in arguments where common ground can’t be found on anything, you may have hit a brick wall. But as more of us work with those who are open to the challenge, those “dividers” will find fewer and fewer people who will speak with them.
Give it a try. What do we have to lose?
“I am loath to close. We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.” –Abraham Lincoln
