Back in the day, most people raised kids to be independent, to learn to make choices and take the consequences and to value freedom. It began when your mother first let you run a few yards away to join a friend or jump on a swing. After the first day at school, where you learned how to walk or ride a bus to your destination, you were on your own. Parents swallowed their fear to ensure they didn’t communicate that concern to their children. Kids are remarkably able to pick up on subtle cues and fear isn’t subtle. They knew that part of their job was to create fiercely independent adults who could make good choices, act responsibly and live on their own.
I remember a few kids (perhaps I was one), who swallowed a few tears as their parents left them at kindergarten. After the first day, we found ourselves completely absorbed in what we were learning, the other children we could play with and a feeling of curiosity. Step by step, we emerged from being sheltered to being on the way to independent adulthood. Leaving home felt inevitable; few stayed in their parents’ homes after college and almost no one returned.
What happened since my childhood? Fear’s icy fingers grabbed parents by the neck and instead of freeing themselves, they gave into it. I often hear that the world is more dangerous and scarier now, but as a child, I remember having conversations about not worrying about our adult life because of the atom bomb which would wipe us all out. When you look at the data, most child abductions are non-custodial parents trying to get time with their kids. But kids are hand-delivered, one-by-one, to their schools. Their time is carefully managed, with organized activities taking over their free time.
As a child, I remember being told that if I couldn’t find something to do, my mother would find something, aka housework. We spent our weekends and summers, running around, exploring things and figuring out what we enjoyed and didn’t. We fell down, scraped knees and toes….and survived. Now, if you see a child fall (and not on one of those carefully padded playgrounds), the parents rush in. Attention breeds more clinging as well as more cries for attention. Once when I fell up the stairs (yes, I am a klutz), my father rubbed the risers and said, “I think they’ll be okay.”
Besides being turned into clingy snowflakes, kids today are more entitled. As I began to earn an allowance, additional funds could be earned by onerous chores, like cleaning the non-self-cleaning oven. Often, if I wanted something special, I was expected to pay for at least half of it. The result: I carefully considered each want and need, and made sure to take excellent care of the items I owned. This included my first contact lenses. I’ve seen babies with their own phones or tablets. Really?
Parents assume their children are blameless, going to school to challenge a teacher if their darlings aren’t getting all A’s. They let their kids starve pets, run after wildlife and otherwise do things my generation wouldn’t have considered simply because “they want to.”
When a child is given everything, protected from all danger and made to feel like everything they do is wonderful, the real world becomes a scary place. Wrested from the bubble wrap, they find that life is very difficult and costly. Employers expect you to be at work on time, every day, and to do an excellent job. You will get hurt and sick and have to deal with it. And fear is transmitted. Many young adults fear starting a real adult life, returning again and again to the nest because they don’t trust their own capabilities.
We’ve just spent a year with our own government fear-mongering and terrorizing us with unwarranted shutdowns, useless masking and more. While these officials do know that the benefit of fear is control, I’m not sure most parents do. When you fear for your children and instill fear in them, you assume control for their lives and encourage them to abdicate their role as adults.
Given that vaccines were created back in January 2020, but fear and the heavy hand of government kept them in testing hell until December, we all should know that the fear/control trap is real, compelling and must be stopped. Start with your kids. Employ a little free-range thinking and let them run. And while you’re at it, consider what fear has done to you. What would it be like to let yourself run free? You have a choice; freedom or fear. I know what I will choose, every time.
