Friendship & the Early Days of Integration
As a child, friends were people in your neighborhood. We focused on what we liked to do and made friends who shared those interests. We didn’t really care about much more than that. Cross words between friends might result in a day or two of avoiding each other, but not much more than that. We almost never had a “bridge too far” with each other. We took people as they were. We also fiercely defended our friends. One of mine was red-haired with freckles so dense her face looked red. When she was teased, we rose to defend her; she was a good person.
We moved to Berkeley from Chicago when I was in 6th grade. Prior to that time, the “mix” of kids was mostly based on family religion. Wilmette had a lot of Jews, a few of us quasi-Christians and one Catholic family in my neighborhood. Instead of dividing us, this spawned active discussion of our perceived differences and a great amount of thoughtful questioning. Coming to Berkeley meant I attended schools with racial diversity. Did this concern me? No, I was curious and interested as I was with religion. What did we share? What were our differences? No good or bad—just interesting. When approached this way, the majority of kids welcomed this approach.
Friendship Now
Apparently, friendship now has to be based on political affiliation. On one level, I can understand it. Those who are fervent about politics are selecting positions based on their carefully considered value system. But most people don’t operate that way. They have one or a few core issues and align with the party supporting their “pet projects.” For years, this didn’t matter. You could be a fervent Christian opposed to gay marriage and/or abortion and have gay friends and those who wanted the option to abort. Unless you were dogmatic and insisted on discussing these issues, friendship was easy. We sought out friends based on common interests, delighting in the differences that added to our knowledge store.
Back in 2016, I began to see a disturbing change in this definition. Simply having voted for Trump was enough to end yearslong friendships. This puzzled me. I had friends who voted for Obama. I hated everything he did, and was highly suspicious of him, knowing he came out of the Chicago Machine. (If you don’t understand Chicago politics, it has always been dirty. Look it up). For some reason, I didn’t experience it, despite having many liberal friends. Part of this was we had so many interests that there was little reason to talk politics.
However, I did have problems with my sister. We learned to be able to tell the other when a discussion was over. The rule was that the person talking would either shut up or change the subject. Still, it was sad not to be able to discuss specific issues logically and rationally. I remembered a time when we talked about our positions on capital punishment after watching a Kevin Spacey film that focused on that. I know I had a different, more nuanced view of it after that talk.
Many have told me of lost friendships simply by admitting to (a). voting for Trump. (b). being a Republican, (or in some cases, another party). (c). not opposing abortion on demand up till delivery. (d). opposing transgender surgery/drugs for minors, etc. This behavior seems to come only from the Left; I haven’t dumped friends for being supportive of open borders, Biden, Obama, public schools… Why is this happening?
My Theory
I believe that when your position is hard to defend and based primarily on emotion, you don’t deal well with people who back positions that you don’t like and who base them on hard facts. Those on the Right are used to being in the minority in groups, especially in Blue states. Thus, we find ways to have discussions with those that differ from us by employing active listening and watching for words that might upset the person holding a different view. In other words, we show concern, care and understanding for friends who believe things we don’t agree with. Sadly, the Left mostly doesn’t do that.
I remember asking people why they liked Obama. I didn’t say I hated him; just expressed curiosity about their reasons. No one really could say anything substantive. I heard they liked “hope and change,” but when I asked them how they liked change in their work life, they all said they feared it. Remember – this was when people were getting laid off and reorged all the time. No one I spoke to had read his books. They didn’t really seem to understand what he stood for. All they knew was they liked him, as much as they really knew him, and also wanted to vote for a Black man. Note: I didn’t call them on any of it. I just stayed curious.
I joined Braver Angels with the idea of working with people who understood the value of friendship “across the aisle.” Sadly, while the Reds followed the guidance and went out of their way to avoid “triggering” the Blues, the Blues didn’t play along. They thought what they said was perfectly reasonable, like “anyone who voted for Trump is an idiot,” or “Dinesh D’Souza is awful and no one should read his books or see his movies.” There was actually worse. Oddly, if you participate in the 1X1 conversations they arrange, the experience is far different. But these tend to be people who WANT to reach across the aisle.
If you find yourself dropped, it will hurt for a while. But some friends are only with you for a season. Those you lose will be the ones who will really lose out. Not only do they lose your valuable friendship, they miss the chance to replace emotional responses with rationality. Those who remain curious and open to people always end up with better conversations and deeper friendships. We also let ourselves grow and thrive.
