FRIENDSHIP REDISCOVERED
Add, Don’t Divide
As a child in the 60’s, we had a few new educational concepts. The first was “mainstreaming,” whereby children with mental deficiencies, mostly Downs Syndrome, joined regular classes with us, where they could actually participate, i.e., art and music. We discovered immediately their talent, but what really struck us was their simple joy. I remember broad smiles, friendly hugs and a fascination with any activity. The positive energy enlivened all of us. To a person, they were also much nicer to their parents, a fact we sort of resented, while admiring them all the same.
By junior high, “integration” had begun, bringing together people of different races. At first, people tended to stick to their own groups, a natural outcome of the general discomfort teens have with themselves and others. But teachers grouped us for projects, PE classes featured activities where racial identity was ignored and we found ourselves interacting seamlessly.
The factor that mattered most, and which is key to all friendships and relationships, is that we began with the things we had in common. Common interests, backgrounds, values… The initial conversations focused on what we shared; the differences were what added spice to the relationship. By learning more about another’s background, we all grew and expanded our worldview. Due to the success of this experiment, I find myself seeking out people who appear to be different from me to learn more.
As I entered the work world, everything changed. At one company, we had the Black bankers, the Hispanic Bankers, the Female Bankers--groups designed to exclude rather than to include. Today, everything appears to be about dividing us by race, sexual roles and politics, rather than giving us the opportunity to grow and learn while expanding our friendship group. When everyone is dubbed “other,” most people stop seeking out those who are different, fearing a negative confrontation rather than expecting enlightenment.
“Cultural appropriation,” a meaningless term, divides us further. Where I grew up, Christians were a minority group. I enjoyed invitations to celebrate Seder, Sukkoth and Hanukkah with my Jewish friends. A few of us would gather and talk about religion – one Jew, one Presbyterian (me) and one Catholic. Even in grammar school, we took the chance to learn. Celebrating other groups’ holidays is embracing those traditions and learning from them. As a writer, I resent the idea that I can only plausibly write about older white women’s experiences. Readers will give you hell if you fall into stereotypes and misrepresent people, but no one really enjoys a book written only about one type of person. We’ve gone off the deep end and picked the wrong mathematical equation. We’re divided, which makes us less. Instead, we should be adding.
I refuse to accept critical race theory, which further divides by calling one group oppressors and the other the oppressed. Again, all this does is divide people and pit them against each other. In my mind, that’s the Left bullying people into submission. Let’s start “adding” to our lives by reaching out to strangers and sharing our cultures, our values, our experiences, our histories. We don’t have to cave into the pressure to Divide. Let’s learn to Add.
“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” Audre Lorde
