HOW FEMINISM DIES
The Dark Side of a Movement
The Slow March to Rights
Just like many other groups, women have had a long struggle to be taken as equals. When the feminist movement took off, women had a few critical issues to resolve; it was still difficult to progress in many fields and female CEOs were few and far behind. Too often, I remember being assigned “female” tasks at work—taking notes in meetings, making coffee, organizing the social events (picnics, potlucks, going-away parties, birthdays). Hot tip if you find yourself on coffee duty: make it as weak as tea.
Women felt they could benefit from affirmative action, but I struggled with that idea. Inherent in the action was the idea that I couldn’t actually compete with men if I didn’t get an “edge.” Applying to medical school, I left off my sex. As I regularly still get mail addressed to Mr. Denise Kalm and actually received a draft notice on my 18th birthday, I found this strategy worked. Affirmative action felt demeaning…for anyone.
But things got better each year. I never found myself paid less than men, and when it looked like promotions were going disproportionately to men, I argued my case, successfully. I found myself wondering. If women were actually paid less for the same job, how is it that men had jobs? As a manager, I would have definitely chosen the cheaper woman over a man if all other factors were equal. I began to question the movement, which increasing seemed to be more about woman as victim than woman as equal. We fought hard to be taken seriously and even to be able to sign contracts. What happened?
How Movements Commit Suicide
Turns out that when a movement truly succeeds on so many levels, those who have made a business of it don’t really want to stop. While they argue there are more battles to be fought, many women decided they liked where things were, wanted to opt back to being stay-at-home moms or chose not to reproduce. Choice had triumphed and the fight had less relevance for so many women I met.
The organizers had to find a new platform. Unfortunately, the seeds of the new idea would grow to become a monster. Women began to argue for victimhood instead of personal triumph. Everything began to be about your sex, instead of equality.
Colleges began to host kangaroo trials for men accused of rape where often, the man wasn’t allowed to present a case, or even, in some cases, to be present. Many stories came out showing that men’s lives were destroyed by false testimony, the truth coming out too late to save them. Yes, women do get raped, but it isn’t one in four as many colleges report. More often, people regret a drunken night and, in an environment where “the woman must be believed,” they can get away with it.
Women got the right to sign contracts and run corporations because they showed up, took responsibility and acted. When missing out on a promotion, they didn’t sling insults; they changed approaches, pivoted on a dime and got where they knew they should be. If you drink or drug yourself into a stupor and have meaningless sex, that’s on you. It isn’t rape and to call it that damages every woman who has been forcibly raped.
Does anyone really believe that the actresses who claimed Harvey Weinstein raped them, most after years of greater success in the business? From my perspective, he’s a pig. But if I were struggling to become a star, I’m sure I would know that an invite to his hotel room for an “audition” meant quid pro quo—sex for advancement. There’s nothing wrong with making that trade, if you want to do it. If no woman ever caved into these invites, that approach would stop because it simply didn’t work. And the pigs would have to find another way to scratch their itches.
People make choices they regret later. We all do it. But the #MeToo movement turned every sexual activity into a potential landmine for men. Written contracts for kissing and touching began to appear everywhere. Men were seen as the aggressors, even as I have seen many aggressive women go after a zipless f-ck. If you dress like a tramp, expect to be treated like one. No one should be raped, but the message you send with your attire and behavior may be read as consent. You can still say no, but you’re sending mixed messages.
My mother taught me to respect myself, noting that a first impression is often hard to overcome. A strong woman can own their brand and still look attractive and even sexy without coming across as cheap.
The Organizers Will Fight Back
Those feminists who couldn’t find real battles to fight will continue the fight to see women as victims of men, of organizations, of everyone. As this movement progresses, we’ll achieve more protection but sacrifice the rights we worked so hard to get. I laugh when the same people warn us that Republicans want to turn us into Handmaids; it’s the feminists who are doing this, demanding protection from evil men.
I’m not a feminist anymore and you shouldn’t be either. It’s time to say, I can say no, kick a man if he doesn’t listen and own responsibility for my own life. Are you with me?
