WHY HATE?

A Destructive Emotion That Does You No Good

A Change in the Political Landscape

A friend of mine had known someone for many years and they were very close.  However, at the end of a shared vacation, the friend asked her if she voted for Trump.  On learning that she did, she never spoke another word to my friend.  She later said she hated anyone who voted that way.

Many people have said they hated Trump.  Few said they hated Obama.  What is the difference?  In reality, we can’t really hate either of them, as few of us actually know either man.  You may hate their policies or the results of those policies.  You may find their behavior deplorable.  But “hate” means “to feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone).”  Again, we don’t know the politicians and other public figures we say we “hate.” 

This level of anger and outrage, spawned by political speech and the media, has driven friends and relatives apart.  Hate is such an intense feeling that it hijacks your logical, critical self.  But it’s also the kind of reaction that sells newspapers and magazines, gets people to tune into TV and radio and gets votes.  And it’s much easier to evoke strong reactions than to appeal to “the better angels of our nature.”

We’re Better Than That

I remember the day I realized that successful filmmakers make bank on evoking these emotions.  Watching “Jaws” from near the back of the theater, I saw people gasp, laugh and look terrified en masse.  I learned that Spielberg had watched from the back himself to gauge the success of his edits. 

But while we will let a movie control our emotions for an hour, why would we want to be hijacked all day long?  I think most of us believe we vote with our heads, seeking out the best person for the job.  As we can’t get to know them personally (in most cases), we have to listen to what they say and consider their history before pulling the lever.  But it’s supposed to be dispassionate.  We are not pledging love to the candidate of choice, nor should we. 

Instead, let’s go back to what most people did in the past.  Ignoring the looks, race, creed, etc., of the candidate, we asked what they planned to do during their time in office. We studied their history to see if they normally kept their pledges.  We tried to understand their goals, values and ethics.   But we did not plan on hosting them for dinner or inviting them to our daughter’s wedding.  We knew these people would not be intimate friends of ours.

I told a few people that while Biden might (during his earlier years) have been an interesting cocktail party guest while Trump might have taken over the room, I wasn’t looking for a beer partner.  At the same time, I made it clear that I didn’t hate Biden (or Obama, for that matter). After all, I knew little about either of them to make that judgment.  I just felt that what they promised and stood for was a very bad idea for America.  Notice the lack of emotion in that statement.

I have friends on all political fronts because there’s so much more to life than politics.  If we can’t discuss it, we simply don’t.  But I work as an Ambassador for Braver Angels (

https://braverangels.org/

) so that when it makes sense, I can carry on enlightening and positive conversations with people I disagree with.

What’s So Bad About Hate?

Hate is a strong emotion that takes energy and positivity away from you.  When you hate someone, you spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about them—time you could have spent on something far more pleasant.  I didn’t get that for a long time, because hate is also somewhat addictive.  You can relish the times things go badly for the hated person.  You can dream up an alternative reality where they suffer and die.  But why are you spending time on them?  I had to wake up and realize that hate only hurt me.  It didn’t do anything to the object of my hate.  What a waste!

Instead, first consider what you hate.  As I said, we don’t know most of these people we may claim to hate.  Instead, isn’t what we feel more like frustration and sadness that we aren’t under the government we would choose?  Aren’t we glad we have regular elections and can vote our choice?

Next, consider indifference.  When you have a bad break-up or divorce, indifference is the goal.  Ideally, you want to not care what happens to that person, good or bad.  It’s emotion and energy-free and it doesn’t take away from all the joy life offers.  If you really don’t care about someone, their opinion of you doesn’t matter either.  It’s very freeing.

Once you can focus on what really matters and recapture your energy and joy, you’ll find you also don’t hate people you feel voted the wrong way.  Maybe it would be interesting to learn why they made those choices; we only learn when we close our mouth, a very hard lesson for me to learn. 

After the last two bad years, let’s make a resolution to eliminate hate from our vocabulary.  It will be easier than dieting and make your life much better.